


if you must work, work to leave some part of you on this earth

by zenins



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dadtoki, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, happy birthday gintoki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:54:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26933200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zenins/pseuds/zenins
Summary: Maybe growing old isn't as bad or scary as he would have thought years ago. Maybe it was more about being given the opportunity to start again, rather than counting all the pain and burdens he's been carrying the year.
Relationships: Kagura & Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi, Otose | Terada Ayano & Sakata Gintoki, Sakata Gintoki & Yoshida Shouyou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	if you must work, work to leave some part of you on this earth

Gintoki had never really cared about his birthday. Sure thing he had been given a date of birth in the orphanage he first stayed, but it barely mattered to him, the same way his family name didn’t hold much of a meaning to him, having not met his parents. Forgetting the date was the usual, especially when all that mattered in those moments was to survive.

The day he met a certain man with a kind smile had been cloudy. Gintoki had been found by him on a battlefield,eating the little crumps he had managed to get from the pockets or bags of now dead soldiers. He doesn’t know what surprises him more: the gentle hands ruffling his hair or the fact that this man said he had been looking for him. He isn’t used to being touched, not softly anyways, so it’s no surprise that he flinches at first, trying to find an answer to why someone would care for a child with no name or any valuable quality. When the older man proposes to Gintoki to go with him, he doesn’t think about it much. It’s not like he has much to lose, and if the man turns out to be dangerous or creepy, he can handle that and run away like he’s done before. 

To his surprise, the man known as Shouyou turns out to be pretty nice, to say at least. Shouyou talks to him, about nothing in particular, things such as the weather or beautiful places he’s seen around the village. He never expects Gintoki to reply back, or pushes him to do so. 

When Gintoki speaks up for the first time in all day to Shouyou,his voice comes off as croaky and flat. He had forgotten how his voice sounded,or how to pronounce some words. Or maybe he had not truly learnt them. Not like he had been offered much guidance to do so,either ways. He just knew the basic things any normal toddler would know, having only studied japanese for the little amount of time he had spent in the orphanage before everything had gone to hell.

“What day is it today?” It had been long since Gintoki lost count of days, he had a clue it was around autumn or early winter because of the weather change, but he had no idea of how long it had been since he overheard a woman say it was march. 

If Shouyou is surprised by his voice or the question itself, he doesn’t let it show much. Instead he gives Gintoki another warm smile he is slowly becoming used to. 

“October 10th. Soon the weather will get colder, or maybe it will start snowing” Gintoki hums and they keep walking towards the place Shouyou mentioned he was staying. 

Months later and after finally getting used to having someone to talk to and Shouyou’s presence and caring nature, Gintoki decides to ask Shouyou something that had been on his mind for a few days now. 

“Shouyou-sensei, when’s your birthday?”

Shouyou stops writing on the paper he had been using and looks at Gintoki with curious eyes “Oh,the fourth of august. What about you,Gintoki? Were you too born during the summer?”

  
  


“October 10th” 

-

Gintoki had always thought a war campsite would be a rather sad place for all of his life. He had seen multiple battlefields after a bad fight and the corpses during his childhood, and always thought of it as a lonely and devastating place. At first he felt guilty for experiencing random bursts of happiness around his comrades. He’s not lost sight of why he’s fighting for, but there’s still a feeling he can’t shake off telling him he should be doing _more, anything._

In a matter of weeks he realizes it’s okay to still experience the closest to joy he can experience in such a place. These soldiers, including him, need some sort of distraction or comfort. Some find it in women,others in alcohol and others in laughter. He’s somehow become a mix of all of them. 

After settling down with Shouyou, touches and gentleness stopped being foreign to him. Shouyou always carried a warm smile on his face whenever he was around Gintoki, Katsura would often hug him and Takasugi at the same time whenever he felt excited or satisfied with their day or lesson. He stopped flinching or trying to take off hands’ from his body once he got used to the three of them, but war was taking a toll on him. 

Sometimes when he’s fighting, he discovers what it feels to lose yourself. He doesn't know if that's actually good or bad. Takasugi says that him disconnecting from his environment when he’s fighting will get him killed one day. Gintoki never replies to those comments, not knowing how to explain that he feels like if he doesn’t do it, he’ll truly end up getting lost inside and _outside_ the battlefield. 

He also discovers warm and pleasant bodies. He’s not ashamed of going to brothels to lose himself in a woman for a while. The touches of unknown women linger for longer than the blood on his hand does, or at least that’s what he tries to tell himself.

Tonight, he’s not in someone else’s bed or drinking, instead he stays by Sakamoto’s side looking at the stars. It was his birthday, but it still did not feel like it at all. What’s the point of celebrating it in the middle of war,after all? What’s the point of celebrating the day he had been saved by a man he can’t save himself? He pretends he doesn’t see the hurt and disappointed lookTakasugi gives him before reaching the roof to sit with Sakamoto. 

_Maybe I should have gone with another woman tonight too,_ he thinks a couple of minutes later after hearing Sakamoto talk about his plans after the war. _Maybe I should open Takasugi’s eyes. There’s no way we are winning this war._

  
  


-

For his 21st birthday, he’s still trapped at jail. He’s lost count of how many days he’s been waking up in the small and dirty cell he was locked after he got caught trying to run away from anything related to the war. It feels like being a kid again and not knowing what day it is because he doesn’t have anyone to ask to.

Sleep has never come easy to him, not as a child nor during the war. But when it does, it feels like a blessing. Staring all day the ceiling with his body aching from whatever they do to him makes him more tired than he had thought a human could ever feel. The floor of the cell is cold and he feels the dirt of it and dry blood sticking to his skin. Sleep was finally crawling to him when he suddenly heard some light footsteps slowly reaching his cell. He doesn't want to turn to see who’s there, he’s too tired, but he forces himself to see who’s unlocking the door. 

It turned out to be the young prison guard Gintoki had seen around for the past days. He didn’t look much older than Gintoki himself, but he certainly was chubbier and healthier than Gintoki had ever been. 

Gintoki notices he’s carrying a wooden bowl with water and a cloth. With trembling hands, he reaches and tries to touch Gintoki. Flinching instinctively, Gintoki tries to get away from him. The young man must tell that Gintoki is not aware of his intentions, so he decides to talk.

“It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you” He says. The silver-haired man is still tense, too guarded of himself,so he keeps going. “I brought you this. I thought that you’d like to clean yourself..but you seem pretty hurt,aren’t you?” He catches Gintoki eyeing the cloth, and offers it to him “You can do it yourself,if you’d like. I can help you too, if that’s okay for you” 

Gintoki gives him a silent nod in the dark,which the guard takes as a _yes_ to begin. After wetting the clot, he starts to rub his skin carefully. Gintoki’s still and quiet, trying not to look at the man’s eyes or his hands. He hasn’t felt a gentle touch like this in so long. He feels like it’s been centuries, rather than just a couple of months, since he felt Takasugi’s cold and careful hands on his body treating his wounds. Or Tatsuma ruffling his hair while Zura hugs both of them. He feels like it’s been even longer since he last felt Shouyou patting his head or carrying him. Has it been a year since he was caught? Who knows. He tries to push those memories away,he’s too worn out and sore to think of what he’s lost. Lucky for him, the vigilant speaks again and distracts him from his thoughts.

“I have some bandages too. Thought you could use some...Is there any place that hurts more than any other? I can try to treat that one, at least” With a grunt Gintoki gives him his left arm where they had cut him earlier. 

When the man finishes putting the gauze on his new scar, he murmurs a little “I’m sorry”

“What for?” Gintoki muses with a thick and empty voice. He’s now realized how much his throat hurts when speaking. He guesses it's because he’s now too careless to keep his mouth shut when they hurt him. 

The man shakes his head and stands up. He has a guilty and anxious look on his eyes when he closes the door of the cell. Before he leaves, Gintoki whispers “Thank you”

Months later, Gintoki is finally free from his cell. It must be around January already, he thinks it’s one of the coldest winters he’s ever experienced. Or maybe rotting in a room with no blankets and nothing but a soiled floor, has made an enormous toll on his body temperature. 

He will never know that the day of his birthday was the same day someone showed a little bit of kindness to him for the first time in long. He will never know about that coincidence. Or why that man soon left after helping him-he tries not to think it was related to him, but anyone can picture what could happen to a merciful and naive person in such a tough and violent environment. 

He’ll never know about it, but he knows he’ll remember the low voice and green eyes of the guard till his last day. 

He thinks about him one last time when he reaches an empty graveyard covered in snow. 

-

He’s drunk too much. More than he’s ever drunk probably. He knows it by how he’s started to ramble about everything and nothing. Otose listens carefully and adds little comments whenever he stops to either take another breath or another sip. He hasn’t looked at Otose’s face in what seems hours now, he doesn’t want to see pity in her eyes.

When Otose had offered him a free drink to celebrate him turning 23, she probably had not expected this. He had not planned to get this drunk either, but it had been so long since he had been offered a good drink. And if alcohol could ease him a bit from his thoughts, he was going to take it as much as he could. 

Otose had tried to stop him from drinking more,but she was probably too shocked to see him beg for once. With surprise written all over her face, she filled his glass one last time. 

And after that, he had started to talk. He told her about his parents, his first birthday with Shouyou or his and Takasugi’s first fight. His first kiss. The last time he had seen Zura. Anything at this point. Alcohol was an excuse to be open for once. After all, he knew he could never be this honest to the old woman when sober. And he felt like he owed her an explanation, or an apology. No matter how many times he pushes the feeling away, he feels guilty sometimes that out of all people Otose struggling, she had to find him. The woman has offered nothing but kindness to Gintoki for the past months, and he feels like he’s got nothing to give back. 

He must have said it aloud because Otose suddenly takes his face in his hand and makes him look at her. He’s surprised to find determined eyes looking back at him, rather than the pitiful look he had been expecting.

“You don’t have to give anything back. Except maybe the rent. But you are not good at that, aren’t you?” She says quietly trying to lift up the mood. 

It takes Gintoki a moment to process what she’s just said, and when he does, he leans into her touch. He feels like a kid again, except that he’s now 22 and he’s never really had a mother. _Maybe this is how having one feels like,_ he thinks

When he wakes up a few hours later, he’s still at the bar, but he’s covered in a soft and warm blanket. Maybe his 22s won’t be so sad and lonely. He’s lived more than he thought he ever would when he was younger. He can make it another year. He won’t let Otose down. Maybe growing old isn't as bad or scary as he would have thought years ago. Maybe it was more about being given a choice to start again, rather than counting all the pain and burdens he's been carrying during the year like he used to do. 

  
-  
  


The day was awful, or that’s what Kagura would have said. More than awful it was simply just heavy rain and some fog, but Gintoki had noticed how much she despised the rain. It reminded him of how Takasugi would also dislike it. Gintoki had grown to dislike the rain too, mostly because it always came with memories of the war and because of Kagura’s sad eyes during those days. Today wasn’t an exception. 

He usually was the first one to wake up,but he found Kagura in the kitchen attempting to make some tea. _Such a weird sight,_ Gintoki thought. Despite all the months Kagura has been living with him, he can count with just the fingers of one hand how many times she’s prepared herself her own breakfast or food in general. 

“Move out of the way, Gin-san will finish the tea for you” He mutters. That earns him a little smile from Kagura, which was more than he had expected, considering the circumstances. Once he’s done with the tea, he gets Kagura’s little pink mug with an unicorn drawing and pours the drink on it. 

They both get settled in the balcony, covered from the rain pouring outside and with their hands being warmed by their cups. Shinpachi will probably arrive in a few hours, but for now it’s just them and the sound of the rain outside. After a few minutes, Kagura breaks the silence. 

“Happy birthday, Gin-chan. I’m sorry it’s raining,yes?” 

“‘Not your fault, brat. Not like it has never rained during one of my birthdays before” He muses staring outside. They stay quiet for a while, Gintoki staring at the rain outside and Kagura at her drink.

“Mami used to like the rain, but my brother always hated it. In Rakuyou it never stopped raining during summer,too. It was like that one anime you like” 

“Naruto? It only rained like that in the rain village,though. The one with the cool purple haired girl you liked” He’s a bit surprised Kagura has talked about her family so openly. Gintoki isn’t quite sure of what must have happened in the yato family, but he can tell Kagura’s relationship with her brother or past is not exactly what one would call normal. He can see a bit of himself in how Kagura never answers questions regarding her childhood.

“Whatever. Did your family like the rain, Gin-chan?”

“My parents?” He shrugs “I didn’t get to know them, so who knows?” He quickly keeps talking after noticing Kagura’s eyes were saddening again. “But my master did. He always told us that rain was good for the countryside, but my friends didn’t like it much either”

“And you? Do you like it?” 

“Well, if I get to spend it with such a lovely company, how could I complain?” Gintoki jokes. Kagura grunts and elbows him, probably asking for a real answer. “No,not really. But I’ve started to not dislike it as much...Being like this is…okay,really” 

Kagura makes a little sound of agreement and scoots closer to his side. She shoots her demanding puppy eyes at him and Gintoki can’t help but sigh. If Kagura wants to lay on his lap like a kid, then he doesn’t have much say on the matter. 

With Kagura on his lap rambling about the new gossip the Princess Soyo told her and the rain pouring outside, Gintoki feels himself more at home than he’s felt in years. Shinpachi will soon come, greet him happy birthday and then scold the two of them for slacking off. 

_I could get used to this._

**Author's Note:**

> tittle of this fic comes from the song you by keaton henson (which reminds me a lot of gintoki and takasugi) !!!
> 
> i wanted to make something happier for his birthday not gonna lie, but the more i wrote this, the more fun i was having. sometimes hurting gintoki feels right haha.
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated! <333
> 
> my twt: @bansaisugi


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